Being in Relationship? Or Being Right?

Jesus said, "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." From Matthew 18:15-20

This passage from Matthew this week calls us to take seriously the work of reconciliation in community life. It reads more like a manual than a pithy parable. While it's a straightforward set of instructions, it's not easy. I don't know about you, but if I am the wronged party, I can have several reactions. The first is that the person who hurts me should know what they did and it's on them to come make amends. The second place I easily inhabit is a desire for accountability. I want them to admit what they have done wrong so I can feel justified in my hurt. And if I'm really honest, sometimes I'd prefer to secretly nurse my hurt and conflict with others than the one who harmed me. These are human reactions, but they don't foster healthy community life. They leave things unresolved and create fissures that, while initially invisible, have the capacity to undermine real relationships.

This process that Jesus outlines privileges keeping the offender as part of the flock. You are asked to take that relationship seriously enough that you have the courage to speak to the person who has harmed you. Jesus then says the standard is that they listen to you. It doesn't say they accept your version of events. It doesn't say they make amends. It just says they listen. In this day and age, that in and of itself would be a major accomplishment.

If they don't listen, then you still don't get to kick them out. You need to go find some other members of the community to also see if the person will listen. Again, no indication there needs to be some major agreement reached, just a hearing. It is only at the point that the person continues to refuse to listen that they are then treated as someone outside of the community.

Despite our tendency to avoid conflict, I'm curious what might happen if we really took this to heart and allowed ourselves to approach those who have hurt us. And of course the other invitation is that we are willing to listen to someone else when they've been hurt. It seems that the real bonds of community are first forged in a willingness to stand in someone else's place and imagine what they have felt and experienced. We don't necessarily have to agree, but I suspect if we take that first step, we will become closer to one another, and conflicts will not have the opportunity to get traction in the same way.

Peace, Beth +