If You’re Keeping Score, You’ve Already Lost - Thoughts on Forgiveness

Peter came and said to Jesus, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.” From Matthew 18:21-25

I don’t know about you, but I can nurse a wound with great attention. The clearer I feel about how I’ve been wronged, the more self-righteous I can become. A few years ago, a longtime friend offended me. I won’t belabor the offense, but trust me when I tell you I was in the right (please note the tone of irony being offered). It was a situation where the friend entered a situation and completely misread what had happened, assumed they knew what had happened, and then proceeded to criticize my handling of the situation in a patronizing manner. Then they went out of their way to offer me forgiveness for something I hadn’t done.

I was enraged. I was so enraged I spoke to no fewer than five other people who knew her about the situation to have my own assessment validated. I decided that I was not going to allow her to have any access to our friendship until she “owned” her part of the situation and appropriately groveled. It is embarrassing to admit this behavior, but hopefully you’re already well familiar with my obvious humanity. I stewed for a year and finally realized the accountability I wanted wasn’t coming, and likely never would. So, I had a choice to make. I could hold a distance between us out of anger, or I could simply (or not so simply) let it go. Thankfully I set it aside, assuming she had no idea I’d been carrying this grudge.

Peter approaches Jesus in this passage today asking about forgiveness. He offers a number that would frankly seem generous. To forgive seven times against a member of the church is hardly a stingy approach to forgiveness. And yet, Jesus pushes him further. It seems as if Jesus is suggesting we shouldn’t be counting at all when it comes to relationship. Now this is not to suggest we never reach a limit and that at times abuse will necessitate boundaries. But I think the crux of what Jesus is suggesting is that our scorekeeping rarely leads us in a good direction.

When I was nursing my offense and seeking affirmation for myself as the wronged party, I missed the deeper point. I wasn’t just angry. I was hurt. I trusted this person and I was deeply disappointed that they had read the situation in such a different way than my own experience. I felt unseen, misinterpreted, and that was what hurt. So hurt in fact that I was willing to set aside a long friendship. To offer forgiveness, and to be clear we never spoke about it, was a willingness to allow myself to be vulnerable. I had to assume that she could and did have the power to hurt me. I also had to decide that the risk was worth it to have the relationship remain in my life. Jesus seems to realize that if we spend all our time counting our wounds, they won’t heal. Forgiveness is often as much for ourselves as it is for the other person.

Peace, Beth+